Top 10+ Things To Do On a Snow Day

by Gordon

1. be thankful you weren't alive during the LAST ice age, that one totally blew
2. unchain the reindeer in the basement and see if he's good and ready to fly yet
3. stage a one-man musical version of Long Day's Journey Into Night
4. preview old age by painting a self-portrait directly on the snow and watching it melt
5. paint/dance/play music all day long to the exclusion of all worldly concerns - oh WAIT, that's every day!
6. go out to check the mailbox and die of hypothermia
7. sculpt a rendition of Botticelli's "The Temptation of Christ" using snowmen
8. try hiding the body again, cause this blizzard's a lot bigger
9. survey your expanding dominion and laugh evilly, O Ice Queen
10. oh, this little thing we call DOING THE DISHES, you lazy bum
11. apologize again to Mrs. Donner and offer her a "drumstick"
12. wonder if it really WAS a typo or if you will get 20 feet of snow instead of 2
13. finally resolve the lingering debate over which freezes first, water... or BLOOD
14. shovel the driveway and clean off... fuck it, go to Puerto Rico with seven hot girls
15. make a ring of sofa parts, stuff a pillow up your shirt, and play Sumo Warriors
16. appreciate that, by comparison, all that snow makes you seem less white
17. say 'april fools!' and drive the kids back to school
18. duck and cover, since this 'snow' is really sulfuric acid that will corrode your spacesuit and lead to your death, damn you I TOLD you we never should have come to Venus
19. get trapped on a train and debate when it was manufactured and marvel at the craftmanship as you slowly freeze to death
20. whine and go hide under Mom's desk, cause snow and thunder are scary, you big scaredy-cat police dog
21. explain to children that there are monsters sleeping underneath the snow, and we'll be alright as long as all the snow never ever melts...